


Always Have This

by MikoAkako



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2012-12-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 17:22:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MikoAkako/pseuds/MikoAkako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spy AU. Castiel is getting sent away and Dean has to deal with some things he was avoiding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Have This

“I just don’t understand why you chose him for this mission. He’s completely unqualified – no offense Cas.” Dean didn’t even bother to glance over at the other man in the room who he knew was awkwardly standing behind the couch, dwarfed by the ridiculous trench coat Dean used to tease him about when they first met. “Why am I not going?”

The man sitting behind the desk looked completely unimpressed with Dean’s tirade and when Dean looked back at Castiel, he realized he wouldn’t be getting any help from that quarter either. There was pity on both of their faces and Dean was struck by the sudden urge to punch them both in the face. Over and over until they stopped looking at him like he was some broken fucking kid and agreed to at least let him go with Cas.

“You know why you’re not goin’ anywhere,” Bobby said, his voice just as gruff as it had been when he caught an eight year old Dean getting in to the cookies Ellen had baked for Sam’s birthday. “You’re lucky you’re still alive after that stunt you pulled, but you’re pulled from the field. You’re a liability out there. And trust me, I’d rather send someone else but Cas is all I’ve got. He’s had the training. He’ll be fine.” 

“He’s never gone undercover before! He’s good at brute force but the Russians will see through his disguise in ten seconds and they’ll kill him.” It was an exaggeration, but it was true that Castiel was too honest to pull off a decent lie. Even Sam, prone to believe everyone, could see through Cas’ lies. And trying to get him to relate to other people was like pulling teeth. He seemed to have a talent for saying exactly the wrong thing at the right time to get people pissed at him. 

When Dean first met him it was in the field. A mission had gone belly up and Dean’s cover had been blown. He was drugged and tortured for months and then one day somebody came in guns blazing, grabbing Dean so tightly he had a bruise for months. The second they got out Cas started some spouting some shit about Dean deserving to be saved. It was another year before Cas defected to the Americans, but he showed up every time Dean was in trouble and saved the day. 

“Dean, even if there was another choice he’s the only one in the agency who speaks Russian with a natural accent. So get your ass out of my office before I have security drag it out. I need to go over the case with Castiel and you don’t have the clearance. Hell, I should have your memory wiped for knowing it’s Russia but lord knows you got few enough brain cells we don’t need to go wiping out any more.” Dean opened his mouth to protest and closed it, storming out and brushing past Castiel with a look that indicated the discussion wasn’t over. 

The door to Bobby’s office clicked shut behind him and he took off down the hall, ignoring everyone who tried to stop him and ask him how he was. He growled something about records being sealed, not that it had ever stopped him from obtaining information. Plus, it was kind of hard to keep it under wraps when he was in the hospital for almost two months. Not to mention Bobby keeping him out of field work for going on six months. 

He sought refuge in the only place he knew he could go where no one would look at him like he was some kind of invalid who was going to break down at any moment. There hadn’t been an episode in weeks, and even that one had been at home where no one had seen him. He’d even kept the truth from Cas. Or tried to, but Cas had come home on the tail end of it and had helped him clean up the mess he’d made when he knocked over the bookshelf and sent a hundred odd books flying across the room. 

While he liked to think that Ash didn’t know what had happened to him, he knew that Ash was probably the first person to know. He was practically attached to his computer twenty four hours a day and even though his security clearance was minimal, he had created the security system and had undoubtedly left himself any number of back doors so he could find out all the best gossip before anyone else. Not that he participated in the water cooler chats so many of the agents seemed to. In fact, he rarely left his offices which just so happened to attach to the hangar and that was Dean’s real destination.

Along with being their resident security expert, Ash was also head of the engineering department. When he wasn’t designing another layer of security, he was coming up with plans for new and improved engines. Unfortunately, his ability to actually create physical products was almost nonexistent. Dean, on the other hand, was great with the physical aspect but not so much with the theoretical work behind it. Together they made a great team, but since their personalities clashed, they seldom made it through an entire project without trying to kill each other.

“I’m going to work on our baby,” Dean called as he passed Ash’s office. The rest of the engineers were stationed on the third floor and the rest of the hackers were up on six, but Dean wasn’t the only one Ash ticked off and thus he’d been given his own rooms. Besides, trying to fit Ash into one department never worked well. 

“I put the updated plans out for you. The cooling coils needed to be bigger to stop it from smoking after five minutes.” Ash continued talking as Dean walked past, tuning him out. He didn’t care about the theoretical aspect. He was more for trial and error and he’d already figured out the cooling coils were the problem, but they also needed to redo the wiring so the power distribution wasn’t so intense. It would mean the initial thrust wasn’t quite as powerful as they wanted but it would reduce the risk of spontaneously combusting down to nothing.

There was nothing Dean liked more than working with his hands. Even more then field work, he enjoyed knowing that he could dismantle and rebuild anything with an engine and have it not only work, but run better than it had before. And the cars never judged him, never looked at him funny when he had to stop in the middle of tightening a bolt to get the tremors under control. 

He was just finishing with putting in the new cooling coil when he heard someone walk in. He didn’t need to look to know who it was. Castiel’s footsteps were always accompanied by the whoosh of his ridiculous cloak. Besides, Dean didn’t want to see Cas, though the chances of Cas picking up on that were slim. Privately, Dean thought Cas could pick up on subtle clues and just chose to ignore them when they weren’t convenient. 

“It will be fine, Dean,” Cas said, his voice placing him at several feet away. Dean felt his grip tighten on the edge of the car frame but said nothing as he rechecked everything in the engine one final time and then another time. “I don’t understand why you believe me incapable. I was…”

“I know what you were, Cas,” Dean said, breaking at last and turning to look at his partner. “But it should be me going and we all know it. You don’t have to see the way they look at me. Like I’m some useless clunker who just won’t accept the truth.”

“You are not useless,” Castiel protested, taking a step forward and placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. He tried to resist, but he leaned in to the touch, drawing comfort from the simple act although he made no move closer. 

“Except I am.” Dean knew he was hard on himself, but he also knew that everyone was right in their assessment. “There are new recruits who don’t even know me as anything other than the guy who fixes the vehicles and who argues with the boss. They don’t even know what happened and they judge me. Like they’re any better! I’m the best. I gave everything. Not even Sammy can say that! He walked away from this organization and they welcome him back. But I give it my life and the first chance they get they try to kick me out. Well, I’m not going.”

“No one is trying to kick you out, Dean,” Castiel said. He withdrew his hand and took a step closer so they were almost touching. Normally his lack of attention to personal space would have Dean smiling, but his heart was too heavy to do anything other than glare, even if it wasn’t Cas he was mad at. “But it isn’t your job to save everyone. Let other people shoulder some of the responsibility. And when you’re recovered, Bobby will start sending you out again.”

Dean appreciated Castiel’s not-so-subtle reassurance, false though it was. Every doctor he’d gone to see agreed that he wasn’t going to recover. Whatever concoction they’d pumped through his veins had done something to his nervous system. Another thing the doctors agreed on was that he was lucky his only lasting symptoms appeared to be the effect on his motor skills. The first two weeks he had been completely paralyzed. When feeling came back, and eventually he could move, he thought he was going to be okay. But eight months later and he’d hit a plateau. 

The tremors were bad. There was very little warning as to when they would come, and they had him completely incapacitated for half an hour. Having one in the field would be suicide. Hell, he wasn’t even allowed to drive anymore. They’d hired him some chauffeur like he was some eighty year old who couldn’t be trusted behind the wheel. 

“If you really don’t want me to go, I will tell Bobby to send someone else. Jo has been working on her Russian and it is very nearly passable.” Dean wanted to say ‘yes, send Jo instead’ but he couldn’t do that. It wasn’t fair to Castiel and it wasn’t fair to Jo and doing it wouldn’t help Dean at all. 

“Just don’t do anything stupid,” he said, trying to force out a half smile that he knew fell flat.

“I will be home in a week.” It was their usual send off and to anyone who didn’t know them it would look professional, but Dean knew what they were really saying – ‘I love you. Come home safe.’ 

Then, just like always, Dean leaned in to kiss Castiel, pulling him forward by his stupid tie and smiling in to the kiss. No matter what happened – if Dean never healed, if he was never allowed back in the field – they would always have those moments. And for now, it was enough.


End file.
